Tarnished–My life My Vengeance

•June 15, 2009 • 4 Comments

Out in the real world I am know to participate in aggressive sports even though my stereotype look seems like they are the last things I would choose to do. I’m a quiet introvert, so I need something where I take out any stress, anger, or any type of emotion. Confrontation is one thing I try to avoid, so to express that raw emotion I simply beat someone up or in the case of fencing you’re stabbing someone over and over again. I’m not very good at expressing how I feel to others, so I would rather deal with it by exerting all that energy into something else. There is nothing like building your adrenaline up and pushing your limits until you’re spent.

I know it seems psychotic, but if you get on my bad side and really tic me off I need to let it out somehow doing something productive. I use to be great at fencing in high school, granted that I was used as a human pincushion with a lot of bruises, but that is to be expected in all contact sports.

My reasons for bringing up this topic about me today is because although I may appear nice and sweet most of the time, I can be very vindictive. People who really know and understand me know that I cam be a very mean, female dog, vengeful person if you are in what the Italian mob would describe as “My Hit List.” I can’t change that because in my opinion I am a great judge of character and follow my intuition full heartedly. I always have a knack for knowing when something is wrong.

What can I do? I live the life where lies are common and heartbreak are like strings to a puppet. I’m living a life where the world is now consumed but the wirings of a computer screen and workings of false interaction. To be honest myspace and all messengers has become the destruction of many relationships. Even now as I write I am a victim of it.

In the past my relationship has been filled with lies, deceit and a lack of respect. We have been through many struggles between my significant other and other females via interent and previous girlfriends. I gave all that I had to save the relationship and explain how flirting, trading pictures, etc. is disrespectful and in my eyes emotionally cheating. Things have gotten better and worse in the 4 years we fought. They would go away then slowly revert back when these women would contact back just wanting to be “friends.” It ended up to the point where I could no longer take it. I gave up what I continue to advise others… my dignity. I was constantly questioning my self worth believing I was worthless. I try not to hold regrets, but thinking back over the year would I have agreed to have that relationship if I had known? I continued to ask, “What am I doing? What have I become?” I have become that of my enemy. The worst kind. I am a hypocrite. I was acting upon revenge and directing things to the wrong person to blame. I have done things that were against what I try to represent and am not proud of (Not cheating for those of you may come to the conclusion of). So I left.

As I looked at him and walked away I felt no sadness, no remorse. I felt no regret in the error of my ways. I had no apologizes. For that I am stronger, but really am I stronger as a person or am I stronger in my ways of deception, losing the good character morals that I have been know to have? It seems like no matter what set forth to doing I have this need to be the best. I try my hardest not to give up and do my best… to go down fighting as it were. I also, thanks to my mom, have been taught since I was little to show no mercy. This is where I believe I attained my hunger and, dare I say, strive to be perfect. It’s not as if I try to be by sheer will, but the intent is so that I can say I gave it my all. I suppose this is where my mean. Straight to the point reality comes from.

At times I can speak the truth and on my off days where it hasn’t been processed through my “Think of the consequences before you act or speak” and say or do something that in truth would not regret at the time. I try not to hold regrets in my life because I really don’t want to live in the past, but I am human so I do have a few regrets that I can honestly say pain me to this day. Which is why I took our breakup occasionally hard. I felt like failed and there was something I could have done or compromise.

Quite a bit of time had passed and then my ex had contacted me again. He wrote to me saying that maybe on day we could get back together when he grew up and became more mature, but in the mean time we can be friends. He gave me a 2 page letter that I found insulted my intelligence. It insulted me in the fact it was filled with lies discounting all that he has done to me with other women. I no longer had wished to speak with him again, but I needed him to know my stand. He obviously couldn’t after years and years of confrontation understand how I felt and thought, or just chose to turn a blind eye. So I wrote a 10 page reply with proof of constant broken promises, letters/ IMs to other women, you name it. Overall I told him to look in the mirror and asked him what he saw then proceeded to state what I saw. It was a brutal letter where I explained I refused to be a part of those women. I refuse to be a part of the collection. I refused to question my self worth again. I refused to give up myself and who I am with a list what I expected out of any partner I chose to have.

For once he fought for me ridding his computer, IMs, went back to church, agreed to counseling, and even wrote a letter to both his my friends and family willing explaining how he had treated me and our relationship, asking a second chance from me. He wanted to live up to my expectations. It took me a long time to come up with answer because my letter’s intent was to be a big F off rather than him find some revelation. I told him that if I were to give him a second chance that it wouldn’t be easy and that he would have to put a lot of effort because I was tired of holding things together. That if things were to slip back that I would leave without a second thought now that I know that I am able to.

This was back in Oct. and we have been doing well. I won’t lie and say things weren’t hard for me occasionally because of the trust issues to work through, but we were doing well. Now to the point of all of this—This weekend one female of our past, the main issue that seemed to come back every year has once again interfered with us. I have not spoken to her for over a year and yet she has personally attacked me. My boyfriend has not responded to her and neither have I, but she has crossed the line of simple verbal abuse. She has degraded me by hacking into his e-mail account and emailing all of his family and friends degrading me in the worst way possible. I am too old to play these games. I am tired of dealing with people that have no claim to interact in our lives. I am a simple person with a complicated mind. It is taking all that I have to not seek revenge, because like I said before, I do not handle anger well. To be angry is not in my mental make up, so to be this furious consumes me. The worst part is I despise that she is getting any amusement out of this. I am not laughing. Nor will I give her the satisfaction of knowing that I’m angry. 

No matter if my significant other explains the situation to them I have been left with a mark to change their opinion of me. I hate being looked at as ignorant or anything less of who I am. I work very hard to earn respect and be seen with integrity, and for a simple minded, delusional, tart to take that from me in one day puts me in a position where it is very difficult to think rationally. It all has been a risk that I took. I have quite the decision ahead of me to figure out the worth of everything.

Life’s a Bitch now so am I, so just watch your step for Vengeance.


Life Reflection

•June 11, 2009 • 2 Comments

Now this isn’t mine but is something worth posting. It is a collection of unspoken truths that humans are often guilty of throughout life. I can attest that I have also been guilty of so many of these negative actions. After reading, I fully agree with this person’s thoughts and perspective on how even negative thoughts have power to create a postive.

As a consequence of their self-absorbed consciousness, humans are the most cruelest and horrible of species on this Earth. Knowing this, we should always be reserved with our trust toward and inner-most feelings for others.

You’re depression is a result of your insolent desire for self-destruction. – Kahlil Gibran.

When in an emotional slump, force yourself to open your eyes and appreciate the natural beauty of the world. This is also a good way to reinforce one’s humility.

Question why we feel the need for a relationship/partner. Often we attach ourselves to horrible people out of misunderstanding/ignorance of this drive in us. We are worth so much more than that.

Take sorrow and anguish and temporarily make it into anger – it’s a powerful motivator for change.

To those who have hurt you, say thank you – they have elevated you above their shoulders as they trample along their own hell.

One’s diet has a profound effect on state of mind and emotional health. Learn to identify which eating habits and/or foods are culprits to feeling low.

Those who fumble toward instantaneous gratification lose grip on the longer-term and longer-lasting benefits that come with reservation.

Those who fear change are essentially dead. Those who embrace it and live by it are Godly.

If someone passes you over in a dash to get something/someone else, it really is their loss – they’re losing a great opportunity in something greater than their self-absorbed and desperate clinging to habits.

Never play down someone else’s suffering. Experiences are a relative, and there is no ranking on people’s perception of their own suffering.

Learn to forgive, but never forget – remembering is the basis to learning from mistakes, and recognizing and preventing similar events.

We are all Gods. Take time to understand the implications of this.

Why let somone else’s bullshit affect your life?! Take your own direction and carve-out your own path in life.

Learn to give, but understand the parable of fishing: give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime.

It has been proven that in human physiology, mental attitudes and habits circularly reinforce chemical markers that attract people of similar mental attitudes, and repel those with opposite behaviours. So re-learn your habits and teach yourself to be positive, energetic, happy, and optimistic (and truly believe it in yourself!)

Learn to love yourself. Easy to say, but harder to practise. We often find ourselves fixating on the external to fulfil an internal emptiness. When we love ourselves, this self-pitying need will become vacuuous.

Value the “Golden Rule” of life: treat others as you wish to be treated yourself. This rule of moral conduct is not a creation soley from Christianity, it has been present independently in almost every cluture throughout history

Let go of the chains of the past – they are simply phantom vices and quickly dissipate once we live for today and tomorrow.

Thoughts and feelings are not real. Learn to acknowledge their presence and detatch yourself from being controlled by them. – The Buddha.

Remember, you hold the key to your happiness. All negative experiences, albiet lingeringly hurtful, are the crank-handles to elevating your soul to a new strata of humanity.

Etiquette and the Shame of our Society

•June 10, 2009 • 4 Comments

Our society, to put it bluntly, is another Hoverville with a little more class. What ever happened to the proper way of speaking, dress, and communication in general?

Our society no longer takes pride in propriety, but rather encourage to be cosmetically educated. We are so caught up in the need to be a so called “gangster” age slandering the English language. True slang is a part of our language, but do we really need the false accent of being “Gangster,” “Blondie,” “ignorant” everywhere? I don’t remember any of us as children speaking this way. We are so caught up in the fame stardom propaganda that we can’t even create our own individual image. How did we change from the fearless expressions of our youth to overbearing concern of our self image?

We care so much of what’s “In” that even the way we dress has been influenced. True there are great clothing lines out there with clothing that has it’s own accepted style, but the wayI see it is, if a person chooses their look only according to recent stars out there rather than looking out for their own tastes, then there lies the problem.

Another thing that puts our society to shame is the amount we curse at each other. My moral values stand where I don’t curse at all. I don’t mind if people do around me, but I just listen to how people can slander the English language so much. People today have grown to sounding so uneducated and juvenile. Because of the new propaganda, our generation has come to terms that cursing every other word is acceptable. The more slanderous language is used, the power of the meaning is loss. Curse words were meant to be of great impact, not acceptable as an everyday use. To me to be able to have an argument or any type of conversation you must present yourself with dignity and using such vulgar language just puts you in a position where all you have are curse words without the education the support what ever point you want across. What has our generation come to? Are people whom have proper etiquette a rare breed?

What ever happened to the ladies and gentlemen of our society? Where are our Elizabeths’ and Mr. Darcys’?

Perfect example of what I’m talking about it the movie My Fair Lady. If you can watch a classic like that and understand it and its meaning then you my friend are most likely part of this rare breed.

Until next time

-Lady Temptress


•June 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I want to be looked upon as having integrity because of my morals. I do this for myself to say I had it all, to become legendary if you will. I’m not striving for perfection but to at least give it my all. Yes I have been told that I am a perfectionist, but I never want to accept something lower than I deserve. I don’t want to sell myself short. I believe when god finally sees us as perfection that he will take us away to the kingdom of heaven. Perfection is seen in the eyes of the beholder.

My views on life are if you are not able to deal with the challenges ahead then you are not living up to your full potential. True days are harder than others but true courage lies in the strength to carry on because in life there are no safety nets. I know my words are easier said then done but it’s a truth that I hold for myself. Even if I find life grows to be difficult I pull through it as much as I can. I’m not afraid to say I have my moments where I can no longer follow through on my own. In fact I could just break down and cry.

It is ok to cry and I know that now. The statement of crying shows weakness I have come to find is partially true because now I see that there is strength in weakness. I go to those I love for comfort. To hold me tight in their arms to say everything will be ok. No matter what the problem they will do everything they can to make my suffering go away.

It’s all a game of the mind. To pull yourself together and become in control is one of the hardest thing to accomplish on your own. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to pick yourself up clear your mind and think out your problem.

I try to view both sides of an objection even when I don’t always agree. It is when I feel strongly about a belief is when I will not budge on what I feel is right. I have to try my best to express my feelings even though no one wants to listen. Every word is important in some way. We are important in the world.

Look at a watch with an analog face. Count the seconds hand for 15 seconds and tell me what you learned…. Experienced.

Truth be told within those 15 seconds you just watched time pass by without the ability to reclaim it. Your life that I took in which could been used for a greater purpose. If we take that time and applied it to a larger scale imagine what could have been accomplished if it weren’t wasted.

Time is defined as a non-spatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future.

What better way to reflect about our time left here than to discuss the moments of our past.

It’s amazing when we find our memories to be a blessing, yet a burden at times. A reminder of the past where we lived in the moment. So small but with great significance. Words were said, promises made to ensure true happiness in our lives. In that brief moment we engrave a ghost of memory of our emotions. We think back and ask ourselves the question why do we reflect back to the memory? What triggers the longing from the past to show it’s face to the present? It defines who we are. All these thumbprints imprinted in out mind teach us who we are. The happy and sad moments that have been given as well as received is what puts us in place in the world. It’s all a matter if we choose to listen and learn. By communicating with each other we give each other meaning.

Do we truly exist if we alone isolate ourselves from the world?

We meet new people with an exchanged glace creating the connection to further impact ourselves in the world. Let them all know you exist and are still here. Without the interaction of another we are as invisible as we appear to be and as insignificant we feel to be. It is a choice to interact with dignity to show who we really are without the mask. To be grown up with integrity.

On occasion we trudge over the limits of the relationship whether it may be a friend, family, or love relationship. We deeply hurt each other causing the relationships that we build with each other to branch into different directions.

Is all the hurt we give to each other worth what we lose by it? Are the wounds we inflict on each other worth our ego? Are we too stubborn not to care how others around us feel that we wont listen to reason?

You have to ask yourself what do you want out of a relationship? What do you really want to commit to? In the end what would be best for your future?

Every moment in life that we experience happens for a reason. It’s a matter in what direction you take and learn from it. Each obstacle builds your character to who you are, but each action raises you up to whom you truly wish to be.

Time is the past, present and future.

Yesterday the history tomorrow a mystery today a gift that’s why they call it the present.