Tarnished–My life My Vengeance

Out in the real world I am know to participate in aggressive sports even though my stereotype look seems like they are the last things I would choose to do. I’m a quiet introvert, so I need something where I take out any stress, anger, or any type of emotion. Confrontation is one thing I try to avoid, so to express that raw emotion I simply beat someone up or in the case of fencing you’re stabbing someone over and over again. I’m not very good at expressing how I feel to others, so I would rather deal with it by exerting all that energy into something else. There is nothing like building your adrenaline up and pushing your limits until you’re spent.

I know it seems psychotic, but if you get on my bad side and really tic me off I need to let it out somehow doing something productive. I use to be great at fencing in high school, granted that I was used as a human pincushion with a lot of bruises, but that is to be expected in all contact sports.

My reasons for bringing up this topic about me today is because although I may appear nice and sweet most of the time, I can be very vindictive. People who really know and understand me know that I cam be a very mean, female dog, vengeful person if you are in what the Italian mob would describe as “My Hit List.” I can’t change that because in my opinion I am a great judge of character and follow my intuition full heartedly. I always have a knack for knowing when something is wrong.

What can I do? I live the life where lies are common and heartbreak are like strings to a puppet. I’m living a life where the world is now consumed but the wirings of a computer screen and workings of false interaction. To be honest myspace and all messengers has become the destruction of many relationships. Even now as I write I am a victim of it.

In the past my relationship has been filled with lies, deceit and a lack of respect. We have been through many struggles between my significant other and other females via interent and previous girlfriends. I gave all that I had to save the relationship and explain how flirting, trading pictures, etc. is disrespectful and in my eyes emotionally cheating. Things have gotten better and worse in the 4 years we fought. They would go away then slowly revert back when these women would contact back just wanting to be “friends.” It ended up to the point where I could no longer take it. I gave up what I continue to advise others… my dignity. I was constantly questioning my self worth believing I was worthless. I try not to hold regrets, but thinking back over the year would I have agreed to have that relationship if I had known? I continued to ask, “What am I doing? What have I become?” I have become that of my enemy. The worst kind. I am a hypocrite. I was acting upon revenge and directing things to the wrong person to blame. I have done things that were against what I try to represent and am not proud of (Not cheating for those of you may come to the conclusion of). So I left.

As I looked at him and walked away I felt no sadness, no remorse. I felt no regret in the error of my ways. I had no apologizes. For that I am stronger, but really am I stronger as a person or am I stronger in my ways of deception, losing the good character morals that I have been know to have? It seems like no matter what set forth to doing I have this need to be the best. I try my hardest not to give up and do my best… to go down fighting as it were. I also, thanks to my mom, have been taught since I was little to show no mercy. This is where I believe I attained my hunger and, dare I say, strive to be perfect. It’s not as if I try to be by sheer will, but the intent is so that I can say I gave it my all. I suppose this is where my mean. Straight to the point reality comes from.

At times I can speak the truth and on my off days where it hasn’t been processed through my “Think of the consequences before you act or speak” and say or do something that in truth would not regret at the time. I try not to hold regrets in my life because I really don’t want to live in the past, but I am human so I do have a few regrets that I can honestly say pain me to this day. Which is why I took our breakup occasionally hard. I felt like failed and there was something I could have done or compromise.

Quite a bit of time had passed and then my ex had contacted me again. He wrote to me saying that maybe on day we could get back together when he grew up and became more mature, but in the mean time we can be friends. He gave me a 2 page letter that I found insulted my intelligence. It insulted me in the fact it was filled with lies discounting all that he has done to me with other women. I no longer had wished to speak with him again, but I needed him to know my stand. He obviously couldn’t after years and years of confrontation understand how I felt and thought, or just chose to turn a blind eye. So I wrote a 10 page reply with proof of constant broken promises, letters/ IMs to other women, you name it. Overall I told him to look in the mirror and asked him what he saw then proceeded to state what I saw. It was a brutal letter where I explained I refused to be a part of those women. I refuse to be a part of the collection. I refused to question my self worth again. I refused to give up myself and who I am with a list what I expected out of any partner I chose to have.

For once he fought for me ridding his computer, IMs, went back to church, agreed to counseling, and even wrote a letter to both his my friends and family willing explaining how he had treated me and our relationship, asking a second chance from me. He wanted to live up to my expectations. It took me a long time to come up with answer because my letter’s intent was to be a big F off rather than him find some revelation. I told him that if I were to give him a second chance that it wouldn’t be easy and that he would have to put a lot of effort because I was tired of holding things together. That if things were to slip back that I would leave without a second thought now that I know that I am able to.

This was back in Oct. and we have been doing well. I won’t lie and say things weren’t hard for me occasionally because of the trust issues to work through, but we were doing well. Now to the point of all of this—This weekend one female of our past, the main issue that seemed to come back every year has once again interfered with us. I have not spoken to her for over a year and yet she has personally attacked me. My boyfriend has not responded to her and neither have I, but she has crossed the line of simple verbal abuse. She has degraded me by hacking into his e-mail account and emailing all of his family and friends degrading me in the worst way possible. I am too old to play these games. I am tired of dealing with people that have no claim to interact in our lives. I am a simple person with a complicated mind. It is taking all that I have to not seek revenge, because like I said before, I do not handle anger well. To be angry is not in my mental make up, so to be this furious consumes me. The worst part is I despise that she is getting any amusement out of this. I am not laughing. Nor will I give her the satisfaction of knowing that I’m angry. 

No matter if my significant other explains the situation to them I have been left with a mark to change their opinion of me. I hate being looked at as ignorant or anything less of who I am. I work very hard to earn respect and be seen with integrity, and for a simple minded, delusional, tart to take that from me in one day puts me in a position where it is very difficult to think rationally. It all has been a risk that I took. I have quite the decision ahead of me to figure out the worth of everything.

Life’s a Bitch now so am I, so just watch your step for Vengeance.

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~ by Lady Temptress on June 15, 2009.

4 Responses to “Tarnished–My life My Vengeance”

  1. Revenge is best served cold hun, take it from the biggest bitch ever… Thanks for dropping by and for your comments…

    Hugs Carole x

    • Thanks for the advice 😀 Believe me, when I want revenge I’ll get it to the fullest extent. It make come across as bitter, but I’m proud of it. Especially when I have not done anything to deserve it… this time anyway.

      You ladies have an empowerment perspective, so I’ll keep up to date on your blogs.

      ~Your Lady T

  2. Do you think Michel Jackson killed himself?

  3. […] read Tarnished–My life My Vengeance for more history of out past […]

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