On the Run

•August 4, 2009 • 5 Comments

Ok I decided that I needed to post an update blog with an explanation of why I have been gone. It has been a month that was as rough as a cat’s tongue.

With my parents divorce in the process it has been a difficult transition. I have now been resulted to being the messenger and helping my dad settle certain things. Other than the awkwardness of it all, in the back of my mind it has been worrying about my next steps. I live in the guesthouse, so I may end up having to find another place to stay that is as affordable to what I’m paying now. Of course there are those that support me and want to help me out if I should need it, but my independence always seems to get the better of me. Though I love those close to me dearly, I often prefer to do things on my own because it allows little error for disappointment in others. It has been past experience for me, that being self-reliant is best especially when it comes down to my own welfare.

Over the last month I have also been busy with my summer Chemistry course. It was a 16-week course being taught in 6 weeks. Out of all 6 weeks of cramming, all I can say is I’ll never take a course of this difficulty in a short amount of time again. I did end up getting a B, but it took a majority of my time and put me back on a schedule that I was no longer use to. I would get up at 5 am to work out, then head to work until 5 pm, school from 6 to 10, and finally make it home around 10:15 to find time for homework/study. When it came to the weekends, I ended up studying for my exams that took place every Monday. In fact Chemistry consumed me so much that I ended up dreaming of it. To say that I’m glad that it’s over is a complete understatement for me, but I now have to worry about my future classes. You see, working full time in this day and age doesn’t allow you to pursue the education that you want. Colleges seem to be under the assumption that your education will be paid for by either an extensive loan or parents, so they hardly offer courses that can be taken at night or online. A majority of my previous classes were taken online, but because I’m technically a science major that require lab work, I need to take on site courses. Of course though, when I go to see what little I am offered, all the classes I need are during the hours in which I work. I work to pay for a better education. Quite the contradiction from what colleges are trying to ingrain in their students.

Lastly in which I do not want to dwell on for to long is that my significant other decided that it was time that we discussed out previous struggles and questions/ hurt that I needed to express.

(Please read Tarnished–My life My Vengeance for more history of out past struggles.)

In all honesty I told him I did not want to deal with that emotional baggage at the time, yet he push for it. He wanted to start anew and help me get past the hurt done. I spoke of my feeling of betrayal, self worth, and all things in between. From his manipulation, to his constant demeaning outlook, to things I found hurt me the most. It was a trying time for me. I lack the communication skills that most have. I would rather bottle things up and deal with them the best way I can unless necessary to assert my beliefs on something. Don’t let my writing fool you though, because I really do have communication issues. I may be able to write how I feel, but when I did write to him to tell him what I thought/ felt, he just didn’t understand. It was as though my words were a different language so he easily dismissed them. Thus, the reasons to have me talk and learn to communicate with him while he learns to listen.

Sadly, I have my doubts and fear I may be sent away a fool once again. Am I an instrument he can break before becoming the echoes of its vibration?

Life in the past month has just been a bit overwhelming because of these issues. I believe it has been because of stress (partly anyway) that I have been ill for the last few weeks (dizzy, extremely tired where I can’t get up, migraines, and nauseated), but I know I will get better soon. I find that the best thing I could do for myself during this time is to eat well, sleep well, exercise, and think positive. Thinking positive is difficult for me, but I am trying. I figure that in order to attract positive things to you in life your need to have some kind of positive thinking. All of this is the reason why I’m deciding to relax and take life as it comes. I find refocusing yourself and connecting with things around you, could be the very thing your soul needs from time to time. My actions to better thing in my life were to only take a drawing class, rid of old junk that I have collected over the years, and spend my time retracing my steps to reconnect with my inner being in nature. Writing has always been my strong point and a way to vent and express passion, and I thank you for those whose listen or can benefit you in some way. I hope to add things on a regular basis as I did previously.

Good Luck and Good Health to All,

~Lady Temptress

pearls_of_life

Just a Percentage

•July 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Again I’m sorry for the week off from posting and thanks to those who continue to comment and are bearing with me. Last week I was just trying to wrap my mind around reality and take a break to catch up. I bet i failed my chemestry test because of it.

Although I am 23 years old, my parents’ announcement of divorcing is still shocking to me. I have known that it was to be for a while, but it is still difficult I suppose. They have been married for 29 years with many ups and down that I can remember, but over the last few years things seemed as if they were settling down to a comfortable relationship. It seemed as though as they have aged and things were on a nice schedule and were out doing things on occasion, but then took a turn somewhere down the line where my mother kept complaining that my dad just slept all day. She was starting to go out more with her work friends and ended up getting a facebook where she reconnected with high school friends. It seemed they were now living 2 separate lives.

Soon complaints and accusations began to arise, mainly from my mother, about him cheating and he never wants to do anything but sleep. Then my dad was complaining about my mother hanging out with her work friends all the time, it all became to much to the point where I didn’t want to see them anymore. They both from their own side have said they were not going to get me involved; yet that was exactly what they were doing. The worse part of it all was they put me into a position where I had to lie to them. That is something I utterly felt ill about doing. They would use me as a form of watchdog to see what the other was doing, completely involving me, and I continued to act oblivious with the reply of “I have no idea.”

This last week things began to get out of hand in the sense they both called me to gripe about the other starting the downward spiral to the point where I snapped and said to talk to the other and leave me out of it! I am 23 years old with a full time job, I’m a student full time, I workout when I can, I have my hobbies, my friends, and my boyfriend… I have my own life that is difficult to manage let alone deal with their childish antics.

I am furious, upset, and tired.

I haven’t see my dad in 2 weeks and my mother continues to force herself upon me and the time I have set out for my boyfriend. I wouldn’t so much if the whole time spent was speaking ill of my dad. My dad has called me, my mother bugs me, and the text message reads, “We are getting a divorce.” I am now going to join the percentage of people whose parents have divorced. It’s upsetting really to see how many failed marriages are out there. No matter what though, he is still may dad and she is still my mother and will love them both. Their relationship is theirs to figure out on their own. Keeping me involved only hurts me. When I don’t think about it I’m fine because it hasn’t completely sunken in yet, but when it does I will have to look at it as if it wern’t my parents. I would give advice to someone in the same situation to try as hard as you can then you have to come to the conclusion if your happy and is it worth the investment. I do not believe in Divorce, but today you never know when the next one will hit.

Life will still go on, it just decides to take different paths that we’ve expected them to take.

~Lady T

Tekkaus-raindrops.jpg image by tekkaus

Forever Immortalized

•June 26, 2009 • 5 Comments

Michael Jackson- Pop Icon

 

“I don’t want to be buried.

                    I would like to live forever…” 

Today I’m going to pay my personal tribute to Michael Jackson’s shocking death.

In all honesty I am quite surprised that his death impacted me so much. I still can’t put my mind around the fact that he’s dead. His death is to the level, if not more, of Elvis, Princess Diana, Kennedy.Michael died of cardiac arrest yesterday that many refused to believe. So much so that Google announced technical difficulties after a sudden swell in searches for “Michael Jackson” led the company to believe it was under attack from hackers, while social networking site Twitter reported a crash after record numbers of users used the site to spread the news of Jackson’s death. Wikipedia had temporarily experienced technical difficulties and crashed reportedly due to excessive edits and user overload.

It has been reported that police are searching for Michael Jackson’s personal doctor, currently missing, after the star’s family suggested he died because of a drug overdose of Demerol, a synthetic form of morphine. 

Personally I grew up listening to his music and watching his movies because he was my dad’s favorite artist. I loved all of his music and I was wishing I could to one of his final concerts, but unfortunately no one will be able to gain that experience with the exception of small youtube viewings. It is so odd to say that he is no longer with us. I suppose I have always had this naive mindset that he would always be around, immortal like his music will forever be. He brought so much to the music mainstream that many praise. I have never known anyone where if you said his name to not know who he was and heard a song by him. His music was revolutional where he is one of those icons that never imitated anyone, but many imitated him or acknowledge that he was part of their inspiration. He had a genuine eye for fresh ideas that continued to evolve, shown by his dance choreography and his bright idea of the mechanical insert to his shoes for his trademark lean. Michael was a talented singer, dancer, song writer, chorographer, producer, and much more.

 There have been many controversies throughout his life about allegedly doing inappropriate actions with children. My comment on that is that it’s only speculation. I agree his actions may have inappropriate such as sleepovers, but as in sexual abuse I have no comment on because I wasn’t present. Most often when he settled out of court he stated that he just got tired of all of it. He grew tired of all the time it took with courts and the attention that focused on something that didn’t happen. Even if a person disagrees with me believes that he’s is guilty, leave it at that. No person should wish for someone’s death. Also how can a person outway the good over something they have no proof over to such an extream as wanting them dead? If anything, he should still be respected separately as an artist from him as a person for all the things he has contributed. Let me have my Thriller and let God figure out the rest. 

I think the way he acted has been contributed mentally believing himself as still a child. He expressed himself as though he could only connect with children than he could with adults. Like his reason for his physical changes, I think he only wanted to be loved and just could not find it because he didn’t love himself. He seemed to be deeply troubled emotionally which could have been caused by his history of sexual abuse and the fact that his fame began since the age of five, so for 45 years he has known nothing but fame. 

People out there have their own opinions of Michael that all the good he did seems to be discredited and looked over. He did so much not only in the music world, but all the contributions he made to so many charities. Jackson has donated and raised millions of dollars for beneficial causes through his foundation, charity singles and support of 39 charities. The award was given for Jackson’s support of charities that helped people overcome alcohol and drug abuse. He donated his $5 million share from the Victory Tour to charity.

 His personality always came across as a very humble, sweet, sincere person, and deserves to be respected.

 To have lived such a huge stardom life and end suddenly at the age of 50 is such a tragic event that has touched the lives of many worldwide and he will forever be remembered.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/a-tribute-to-my-friend-mi_b_221268.html

Adventure Junkie

•June 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Life is either an incredible adventure…or nothing at all

This week I wanted to focus on the Adventure Junkie.
Check out Incredible Adventures Link as well ——–>

My life’s story has been filled with many ups and downs that were harder than others and easier than others. Each of our lives is no less significant than the other, but we all choose our own way to walk through life to make it impactful or not.

I have deemed, as well as others, myself as an adventure junkie.

I try to gain new experiences and explore the world because more often life is just too short. I learn a new hobby/sport and excel at it then move on to the next one.

There is no other feeling like doing something dangerous and so daring.

In a way it gives your life so much meaning and life that the day to day dullness.

I want so much out of life and sometimes I feel as though my soul and heart are miles ahead of me while this body of mine drags me behind. Some days I really do believe I will die young or at least sooner than most, and that is what keeps my life on edge and busy.

I do not fear death or being alone which seems to be the trend, but I truly believe I fear in living a boring life. The sad part is that what really led me to think that was the Talladega Nights movie with Will Ferrel. His father always ran because of his need to keep running and going fast. One part I found funny was when they were trying to be a decent family and he said, “I’m starting to feel itchy.” I think ditchy would have been funnier but eh. My point is I know that itch so well. I have often thought of leaving all of my life behind just to taste fresh air and just keep running. I’m always in need of a good adventure. Go somewhere and not know where the hell you’re going.

If tomorrow I suddenly changed my mind of my career I would backpack the world and find a way to make my mark that way. A job that would allow me travel has always been my dream.

I’ve always wondered how would be always on the run. I’m sure like anything else would become old, but at this very moment in time it seems like it never would. Blood rushing, heart pounding, hands gripped until they are white as bone… I would say if it weren’t so wrong I would probably an assassin lol.

One friend once told me that I’m using danger as a way from running from my problems. To a degree I can agree I suppose because sometimes I feel I need that reminder that I’m alive and my life is expendable if I don’t take care of by facing my problems.

You can’t always run from your problems like you can’t always be afraid of the unknown or take chances.

The next step in my adventure life is to buy a sports bike.

(Look at Photo of the week)

There are many who disagree with my choice, but like everything else I do I say, why bother being afraid of everything that could be considered dangerous. Relationships no matter the type, are an adventure in their own as well. A friend who continues to inspire me once told me that not matter what you pace may be fast or slow, someone will always be there to match your speed. This is the speed I choose to live my life. Everyone will die sooner or later, but I wont let need to live life the longest scare me to not living life at all. A bike is just a stepping-stone in my life.

The adrenaline of imagining the life with no limits or obligation is overwhelming, yet here most of us are doing things we dislike or feel obligated to doing. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in your own life. I have put up with so much in life that in my mind it seems so tangible and almost possible to really explore the world and truly be happy with my life. I’m at the age where no longer wish, but demand that I truly want it all. It’s all about entitlement. I am entitled to be happy. I’m entitled to live my life to continuously seek adventure. I’m entitled to live my life.

I would rather Die a life of with fun and adventure than Live a life of boring regrets

~Lady Temptress

Poetry– My Love

•June 18, 2009 • 4 Comments

This is my last post for my poetry week. Thanks to those who bared with me in my lazy postings. I hope for next week to be more interesting, but we’ll see because I have a Chem exam to study for.

My Love 

Be Strong and Calm Down
Close Your eyes and shut out the World
Feel my touch

My arms embrace you
Warm and safe
The smell of my scent
With hands intertwining in my hair

Think of us and the Unbinding Love we share
The future that holds for us
So bright, yet unclear

I hold you tighter
Know that there is Hope
Pain from those we Cherish most of all

Hear my words barley a whisper
I Love You and am willing to do anything to Protect you

Our hearts beat as One
Be safe and feel calm
Rest Your Head on my shoulder
I Caress you so gently
My voice ever lingers

I am here
I am here

Poetry– My Confession

•June 17, 2009 • 2 Comments

Here is another entry to my Poetry week.

My Confession

Fate of a Promise
Path of Despair
True Love Relinquished
Destiny Unclear

My How the Rain Falls
Like the Pained Tears I Shed
To Cover the Truth
Of Betrayal lead

So I Stand
Alone With My Torment
I Embrace Its Cooluch
The Vail of Darkness
Ever So deafening

So I Stand And cry out
A Name Forbidden
With the Hope of My Love
Return to Me Salvation

So I stand Now!
No More Shall I Take Shame
This Is My Life
That I Will To Be Saved

It Takes True Courage
To Live Than To Die
I Shall Not Surrender
To Deaths Unholy Temptation

I Whisper My Vengeance
Put Unwillingly In This Place
Going To Show Them All
The Strength, my Name

 Pure Will Shall Take Over
Defeating The Unclear

Look Up and Look Out
Consumed By the Velvet Night Sky
Believe In the Unforgiven

Believe in Salvation

Fall from the world
With the Remembrance of What Should Have Been.

Poetry–God My Salvation

•June 16, 2009 • Leave a Comment

This week while dealing with my Tarnished blog, I think I will take a break from my insights and take the easy route and post some Poetry that I have written. 

God My Salvation

 

Heavy heart

Heavy chains

Break them free

By doves of purity

 

Shown of a life

The thundering realization

Ride of the beginning

Knowledge of nothing

With feelings clear

 

Part away the clouds

The rays of light shown through

Day turns to night

Stars up above

Glistening with wishes of a future

 

Life and the decision of right from wrong

My heart and voice is open

The spirit of a fighter

Hope sent by angels

I pray to thee

 

Time tests will

Will is the effort

Faced with a path

In I take your breath

I pray to thee

 

A new awakening

The dark now fades

As the sun now arises

Our life our treasure

I pray to thee

 

The hands of grace

Neither flesh nor entity

Inspiration

The essence

God I pray to thee

May the grace of God be with me

To give me the strength

For the cross I willingly bear.

God My Salvation

 

Heavy heart

Heavy chains

Break them free

By doves of purity

 

Shown of a life

The thundering realization

Ride of the beginning

Knowledge of nothing

With feelings clear

 

Part away the clouds

The rays of light shown through

Day turns to night

Stars up above

Glistening with wishes of a future

 

Life and the decision of right from wrong

My heart and voice is open

The spirit of a fighter

Hope sent by angels

I pray to thee

 

Time tests will

Will is the effort

Faced with a path

In I take your breath

I pray to thee

 

A new awakening

The dark now fades

As the sun now arises

Our life our treasure

I pray to thee

 

The hands of grace

Neither flesh nor entity

Inspiration

The essence

God I pray to thee

 

May the grace of God be with me

To give me the strength

 For the cross I willingly bear.