Ok I decided that I needed to post an update blog with an explanation of why I have been gone. It has been a month that was as rough as a cat’s tongue.
With my parents divorce in the process it has been a difficult transition. I have now been resulted to being the messenger and helping my dad settle certain things. Other than the awkwardness of it all, in the back of my mind it has been worrying about my next steps. I live in the guesthouse, so I may end up having to find another place to stay that is as affordable to what I’m paying now. Of course there are those that support me and want to help me out if I should need it, but my independence always seems to get the better of me. Though I love those close to me dearly, I often prefer to do things on my own because it allows little error for disappointment in others. It has been past experience for me, that being self-reliant is best especially when it comes down to my own welfare.
Over the last month I have also been busy with my summer Chemistry course. It was a 16-week course being taught in 6 weeks. Out of all 6 weeks of cramming, all I can say is I’ll never take a course of this difficulty in a short amount of time again. I did end up getting a B, but it took a majority of my time and put me back on a schedule that I was no longer use to. I would get up at 5 am to work out, then head to work until 5 pm, school from 6 to 10, and finally make it home around 10:15 to find time for homework/study. When it came to the weekends, I ended up studying for my exams that took place every Monday. In fact Chemistry consumed me so much that I ended up dreaming of it. To say that I’m glad that it’s over is a complete understatement for me, but I now have to worry about my future classes. You see, working full time in this day and age doesn’t allow you to pursue the education that you want. Colleges seem to be under the assumption that your education will be paid for by either an extensive loan or parents, so they hardly offer courses that can be taken at night or online. A majority of my previous classes were taken online, but because I’m technically a science major that require lab work, I need to take on site courses. Of course though, when I go to see what little I am offered, all the classes I need are during the hours in which I work. I work to pay for a better education. Quite the contradiction from what colleges are trying to ingrain in their students.
Lastly in which I do not want to dwell on for to long is that my significant other decided that it was time that we discussed out previous struggles and questions/ hurt that I needed to express.
(Please read Tarnished–My life My Vengeance for more history of out past struggles.)
In all honesty I told him I did not want to deal with that emotional baggage at the time, yet he push for it. He wanted to start anew and help me get past the hurt done. I spoke of my feeling of betrayal, self worth, and all things in between. From his manipulation, to his constant demeaning outlook, to things I found hurt me the most. It was a trying time for me. I lack the communication skills that most have. I would rather bottle things up and deal with them the best way I can unless necessary to assert my beliefs on something. Don’t let my writing fool you though, because I really do have communication issues. I may be able to write how I feel, but when I did write to him to tell him what I thought/ felt, he just didn’t understand. It was as though my words were a different language so he easily dismissed them. Thus, the reasons to have me talk and learn to communicate with him while he learns to listen.
Sadly, I have my doubts and fear I may be sent away a fool once again. Am I an instrument he can break before becoming the echoes of its vibration?
Life in the past month has just been a bit overwhelming because of these issues. I believe it has been because of stress (partly anyway) that I have been ill for the last few weeks (dizzy, extremely tired where I can’t get up, migraines, and nauseated), but I know I will get better soon. I find that the best thing I could do for myself during this time is to eat well, sleep well, exercise, and think positive. Thinking positive is difficult for me, but I am trying. I figure that in order to attract positive things to you in life your need to have some kind of positive thinking. All of this is the reason why I’m deciding to relax and take life as it comes. I find refocusing yourself and connecting with things around you, could be the very thing your soul needs from time to time. My actions to better thing in my life were to only take a drawing class, rid of old junk that I have collected over the years, and spend my time retracing my steps to reconnect with my inner being in nature. Writing has always been my strong point and a way to vent and express passion, and I thank you for those whose listen or can benefit you in some way. I hope to add things on a regular basis as I did previously.
Good Luck and Good Health to All,